Nothing's Gained and Nothing's Lost
by earthMom
Summary: Eric must deal with temptation
1. They Meet

These characters from 7th Heaven are the property of Aaron Spelling or Brenda Hampton or the WB or somebody much richer than me.  The story is mine – here only for your entertainment, blah, blah, blah crumbcakes.  Thanks to everybody at the Television Without Pity (TWoP) boards for inspiration and for their awesome fanfics, and especially to Hans the Bold for issuing the challenge to "take a Camden and make him/her sexual" or something like that.  

Uh, if the idea of Eric Camden becoming sexually involved with anyone other than Annie really upsets you, you probably don't want to read this.  Consider yourself warned.

They Meet

            Eric Camden pushed open the glass door and emerged into the bright sunshine of midday.  The air was crisp and fresh.  He felt good.

            He never had liked visiting in the nursing homes much.  No minister did, he supposed.  Many of the residents were consumed with dementia, unable to recognize loved ones and friends.  Those who had kept their senses intact were even sadder, in a way.   Rejected by family or physically unable to care for themselves, they knew they were waiting to die.  Eric knew he should visit his nursing home members more often than he did, but it seemed he couldn't help putting it off every time.   There would always be something more urgent, more pressing, and . . . well, more interesting to occupy his time.

            But now, as he trotted lightly down the front steps of Glenoak Village, he felt good.  He had visited with two of his members and left cards on the tables of two others who were sleeping.  That way he would get credit for four visits and not have to return for another month.  He was glad he had gotten it out of the way early today.

            As he walked down the sidewalk toward his van, Eric noticed a bright yellow convertible coming into the parking lot.  He couldn't help but notice.  The car was moving just a bit too fast, with the radio on loud enough for him to hear an old Rolling Stones song.  He smiled to himself.

            The convertible pulled into a spot near his van.  He was just unlocking his door when a female voice called out, "Reverend Camden?  Reverend Eric Camden?"

            He turned to see the driver of the car walking quickly toward him.  "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you happen to be Reverend Eric Camden?"

            "Yes, I'm Eric Camden."  He had no idea who she was but he smiled in spite of himself.  

            "My name is Jaye Martin.  I'm the new Director of Glenoak Village."  She paused to catch her breath and push some loose strands of dark hair out of her face.  She laughed.  "I don't know why I insist on riding with the top down on my way to work."

            Eric realized he was still smiling.  "Well, I'm glad to meet you, Jaye.  I had heard that they were getting a new director.  But how did you know me?"

            Jaye blushed slightly.  "Oh – I've just heard about you from some of the staff and residents.  They say you're a breath of fresh air around here, you know, always upbeat and friendly.  And in this business you need all the fresh air you can get."

            Jaye startled at the unintended reference to nursing home smells.  "What I mean is – "

            Eric laughed out loud.  "Don't worry, I know what you meant.  And it's funny; I've heard the same thing about you."

            There was an awkward pause.  Then Jaye said, "Well, maybe we can get a cup of coffee sometime.  I'm here almost every day."

            Eric had to shake himself out of a trance to reply.  "That sounds great.  And here's my card, if you ever, um, need anything."

            Jaye turned and walked toward the door.  Eric paused as he got into the van.  He watched her walk.  She was about thirty-five, he'd guessed.  She wore a business suit and skirt, but there was something about the way she carried herself.  She seemed athletic, strong, tanned, tightly muscled.  She didn't seem like an administrator.  He figured she must work out.  He felt a tingling sensation, shifted in his seat, took a deep breath and started toward home.


	2. At Home

At Home  
  
Eric came in through the kitchen door, put his briefcase on the table, and hung up his coat. The house was quiet.  
  
He noticed Robbie studying at the table.  
  
"Hi, Robbie. Where is everyone?"  
  
"Hi, Reverend Camden. Let's see. Lucy is at the library studying, Mary is on the phone somewhere, Simon stayed after school for something about student council. Ruthie is upstairs, and Sam and David are at their friend's house."  
  
"Jacob's?" Eric asked.  
  
"Yeah, I think that's it."  
  
Eric took a deep breath and looked around the kitchen. "What about Annie?"  
  
Robbie answered carefully. "I think she might be taking a nap."  
  
Eric nodded. Neither would say out loud what they were both thinking. Annie took a lot of naps these days. She sent the boys out wherever and whenever she could, and she rarely reciprocated. The kids all kept busy. If they had to be at home, they kept to their rooms. Eric supposed that everyone's grades must be very good lately, for all the quiet studying.  
  
As he headed upstairs Eric tried to prepare himself to be nonjudgmental of his wife. They had been married almost twenty-five years, most of them very good. She had borne seven children. Now struggling with menopause, she had every right to take some days off, he told himself. It didn't necessarily mean that anything was really wrong.  
  
He opened the bedroom door to find Annie reading in bed. She wore an old sweatshirt. Her hair looked as if she hadn't brushed it at all. She barely looked up to greet him.  
  
"Hi. How was your day?" she asked.  
  
"Hi there. My day was good." He checked himself. "It was okay - pretty routine."  
  
He took of his tie and sat next to Annie on the bed. "How about yours?"  
  
"Eh." She kept reading.  
  
Eric looked around the room for an idea. "Hey, how would you like to go out tonight, just the two of us? It's been a long time." He hoped he sounded excited about the idea.  
  
Annie looked up. Her eyes looked heavy. "Can't. I've got to pick up the boys soon."  
  
Eric considered briefly before trying again. "We could pick them up together and then ask Lucy or Mary to watch them while we go out."  
  
Annie was back in her book. "Not tonight. I just don't feel like going out."  
  
Eric got up. "Okay. I'll just whip up something for dinner and, if you'd like, I can go get Sam and David."  
  
"Sounds good. Thanks," Annie said, and almost smiled.  
  
Satisfied that he had made an attempt, Eric went to the kitchen. He realized he was humming Ruby Tuesday. He grinned, and started dinner. 


	3. Church

Church  
  
Eric heard a distant rumble of thunder as he stepped into the pulpit. It was spring, and little storms would pop up now and then. He'd always liked them.  
  
He began the service with announcements about meetings scheduled for the week, and a blood drive at the church next Saturday. As he looked up from his notes he saw her slip in through the back door. For a second his breath left him. She had the same tousled look as she'd had when he met her. He wondered if she had come to church with the top down. Another roll of thunder brought him back. He picked right up where he'd left off but he wondered if anyone had noticed the change. His heart beat rapidly as he read the rest of the announcements. That puzzled him. Leading worship was so routine by now that he never felt nervous. He tried not to look toward that last pew.  
  
Eric made it through the sermon. It wasn't one of his best, he knew, but it certainly wasn't his worst either. There were two areas now where he tried not to look while he spoke. The other was the first pew where his family always sat.  
  
During the final hymn Eric allowed himself to relax a little more. The sermon was over. Hard part done. Most people were looking at their hymnals now and he could afford to look around a bit. The church was crowded today. He had to search a little to find her. He was startled to find her looking right at him as he found her. He hadn't meant for her to even see. She was smiling confidently. She gave him a friendly wink. Eric smiled weakly in response and returned quickly to his hymnal. He felt another set of eyes look right through him. He didn't dare look up, but he knew that Annie had seen something in his face.  
  
Jaye was one of the first people out the door. Eric managed to be cool and appropriate as he shook her hand, "Thanks for worshipping here today, Jaye. I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope you'll come back again." This time he noticed that she wore no wedding ring and she had come alone.  
  
"Thank you, Eric, for a refreshing service. It's been a long time since I've been in church, and until today I hadn't realized I'd been missing anything." When Jaye laughed her whole face lit up with joy. Eric found himself transfixed again.  
  
Jaye squeezed his arm. "I'd love to grab a cup of coffee with you tomorrow if you're free."  
  
"Yes. That would be great." Eric tried to sound as casual as Jaye did. He doubted his success.  
  
"I'll come by Glenoak Village in the morning," he said.  
  
"I'll look forward to it," Jaye smiled. Then she was gone. 


	4. Anticipation

Anticipation

            Eric took a long shower Monday morning.  He felt great and he knew why.  He was going to see Jaye.  

            He told himself that there was nothing wrong with meeting a prospective church member for coffee at her place of business.  In fact, he did it all the time.  If Annie were to ask what he did today, he shouldn't hesitate to tell her.  

            He hoped she wouldn't ask.

            He hummed _Ruby Tuesday as he splashed on a little cologne.  As soon as he did he realized his mistake.  He didn't wear cologne every day.  He thought about Annie.  For a moment he felt dread.  Then he saw Jaye's smile in his mind and the fear was gone.  He didn't plan to __do anything inappropriate.  He would simply get to know Jaye a little better, as he would for any church member.  Besides, he thought, there is something about this woman that just makes me feel so good to be near her.  Just the anticipation of coffee and conversation made him sing to himself._

            The kids were just gathering for breakfast when he got to the kitchen.  He could tell that Annie wasn't there by Lucy's greeting, "Hi, Dad.  You look happy today."

            "Hi, Luce.  I am happy – thanks.

            "Did Mom come down for breakfast yet?" Eric asked.

            "She had something earlier, I think," Lucy said.  

            Eric saw an opportunity.  He looked at his watch.  "I've got an early appointment today so I'm going to skip breakfast.  Would you mind telling Mom that I was late and had to rush out?"

            "No problem, Dad.  Have a great day."

            "Thanks Luce, you're the best," Eric said as he kissed her head.

            He felt like a kid skipping school as he reached the van.  He tried hard not to look hurried but he feared being called back by Annie.  He almost never left without kissing her.  But on this day the thought of kissing her goodbye felt like treachery.

            Jaye's office was a mess.  Somehow that surprised Eric, but he wasn't sure why.  She was on the phone when he came to the open doorway.  She smiled and motioned him in as she kept talking.

            "Look, I really need to get a drug audit down here as soon as possible.  I've got to have a starting point if I'm going to crack down," Jaye said to the phone.  She pointed to an empty chair and Eric sat.  There were boxes on the floor – most of them opened but not emptied.  A half dead plant sat on some folders on her desk.  He looked for family pictures but there were none.

            Jaye wore a dark blue sweater.  Eric noticed that her eyes were very blue.  She had her dark brown hair pulled into a ponytail.  She didn't wear much makeup.  Her face was nicely tanned, her teeth white and straight.  He thought that she would look at home on horseback in a field somewhere.  Not here in this office.

            "I'm sorry," said Jaye as she hung up the phone.  I was hoping to be finished with this silly business before you even got here.  And if we're being honest, I was hoping you wouldn't see my office."  Jaye laughed.

            Eric laughed too.  "Please don't worry about it.  My office is a wreck, especially on Monday mornings."

            The phone rang.  They both jumped.  Jaye pushed a button and said, "Stupid phone.  I'm forwarding my calls to voice mail.  It's a beautiful day.  Let's go around the block to a coffee shop I know."

            "Sounds great," Eric said.

            Eric held open the glass door of Glenoak Village and let Jaye pass through before him.  He breathed deeply as she moved passed him.  It seemed to him that she smelled like sunshine and mountain air.  He followed her out into the morning.  She wore a white miniskirt which hinted at the toned muscles underneath.  He almost groaned out loud.  Blood surged to his crotch.  

            _What am I doing?  I have to stay in control.  This can still be an innocent visit._

            "Can we take my car?" Jaye asked.  

            "That would be great," Eric thought with relief.  Although they would be in a public place, no one would know her car.


	5. Java, the Hut

The Coffee House  
  
'Java, the Hut', was tucked away at the end of a small strip mall. Eric thought he must have been by it hundreds of times but he had never noticed it. It was dark inside but not unfriendly. Out of habit, Eric scanned the room to see if anyone he knew was there. There were only a handful of people. None looked familiar, and they didn't seem to notice Eric and Jaye.  
  
Jaye insisted on buying his coffee. They sat at a small round table in a corner. Eric went into minister mode.  
  
"So, Jaye, how did you wind up in Glenoak?"  
  
"I move a lot. I find a nursing home that needs administrative help. That's not hard, by the way. Then I come in and make changes. When the home is running to my satisfaction, I get bored and look for the next challenge. It's kind of like management consulting, but if I were to come in as a consultant, the staff would know that I was only temporary. It's easier to make lasting changes as director."  
  
"Isn't that hard on you – moving so often, I mean?" he asked.  
  
"Nah. I like the change. I can't really imagine being in one place for very many years."  
  
"Do you have family?" Eric asked cautiously.  
  
Jaye smiled. "Well, I have parents, in Oklahoma City. And a couple of brothers in Denver and Dallas."  
  
Eric sipped his coffee. Jaye continued to smile, almost seeming to be amused at his questions. He wasn't sure why.  
  
"Okay. My turn," Jaye said. How long have you been at the Glenoak Community Church?"  
  
Eric took a deep breath. "Twenty-one years." Now he smiled, "I can't imagine moving."  
  
"Family?" Jaye asked.  
  
"Wife and seven children." Eric laughed. That always got some kind of a reaction.  
  
"What ages?"  
  
"Twenty-two down to three. The three-year-olds are twins."  
  
Jaye shook her head in amazement, "So, what do you do for fun?" she asked him.  
  
The question took him completely off guard.  
  
"Uh. Well," he thought for a moment. "I play a little pool, and I play the guitar. But between the church and my family, there's not much time."  
  
Jaye asked him, "Are you stressed?"  
  
Eric shifted uncomfortably in his seat. She was very direct. "What do you mean?" he asked her.  
  
"It just sounds very stressful to me – taking care of an entire congregation and a large family. Who takes care of Eric?"  
  
His breath left him. A tightness rose into his throat. For a moment he thought he might have been having another heart attack. He felt his face flush as he realized that her question almost made him cry. He frowned into his coffee cup, struggling to regain control of his emotions and of the conversation.  
  
Jaye watched him intently. She waited for his answer.  
  
Eric was okay if he didn't meet her eyes. He tried to laugh but it was weak. "It is hard sometimes, but I've got a great family and good friends."  
  
He continued before Jaye could say anything. "I'm really glad you came to our church yesterday. We've got a lot going on in terms of fellowship and volunteer opportunities. Just let me know how I can help you find what interests you. Oh, and we've got a great singles group."  
  
"Oh. Am I looking for a husband?" Jaye asked him.  
  
Eric couldn't tell if he had offended her or if she was just tormenting him for fun. She wasn't laughing, but her eyes sparkled playfully.  
  
"I'm sorry," he managed. "I just thought, since you were new in town, that a church singles group might be a good place to make friends."  
  
Now she laughed. "Eric, you've got to lighten up a little. I don't know yet if I'll be a member of your church or even if I'll attend very often. It's not personal. Church just isn't something I do. But if you're worried about my social life, don't be. I've got friends – good friends – all around the country, and even in a few foreign countries. And I expect to make friends here in Glenoak. In fact, I thought since you and I are both in helping professions, we might be friends."  
  
Eric had no idea how to respond. She wasn't coming on to him, was she? There was nothing really suggestive in her comments. But she didn't seem to be responding to him the way most people did. He was used to being a minister, even to people outside of his church. There was something about Jaye that cut through that role. She wasn't interested in his church or in his helping her. She just wanted to be friends. Equals.  
  
"Of course we can. I'd like that very much," he said. In truth he was scared of this beautiful, intoxicating woman. 


	6. Later that Day

Later that Day

            Back at his office, Eric couldn't get Jaye out of his mind.  In fact, she bothered him.  Who did she think she was, asking such personal questions?  And what did she want?  He decided he should stay clear of Jaye for awhile.

He tried to work on his sermon but couldn't concentrate.  That made him mad too.  He looked at the pictures on his desk.  Matt's graduation picture.  He thought about Matt and Sarah going to New York to medical school, and how difficult it would be for them to negotiate a marriage in the middle of that.  But he had grown to like Sarah.  And, maybe more importantly, he liked who Matt was with Sarah.  He hoped they would be happy.

            He had a picture of Mary in her flight attendant uniform, looking both beautiful and professional.  But he had kept an older picture of her that he liked even more.  She was about fifteen, shooting a basketball in a playoff game.  He thought about that fifteen-year-old Mary.  She had seemed so self-assured, so confident.  He thought about what she had done to the school gym and, for the first time, wondered if his and Annie's public support of the lockout had been the wrong thing to do.  Basketball was important to Mary.  It was something she had truly loved.  And it could have gotten her into a good college.  At the time he thought that her grades were more important.  But now, three years later, he wondered if the grades were important enough to take away something that she loved.  After all, she hadn't been failing any of her classes, and she still met the minimum league standards.  Had he been wrong to publicly question her and support the lockout?  Thinking about Mary's life since her arrest, he knew the answer.  She had barely graduated high school and, before JetBlue, couldn't even hold a menial job.  She seemed to bounce from one serious relationship to another.  He realized that, counting Robbie, she had actually been engaged twice and Ben had recently proposed.  When did his self-assured daughter become so boy crazy?  What was missing in Mary that she was looking for in a guy?  Fortunately she had turned Ben down and seemed to be getting a sense of herself again.  

            Lucy.  Eric smiled.  He had always had a special bond with Lucy.  She reminded him of himself some – at least the better parts of himself.  She was a born helper, comfortable in the realm of emotions.  He hoped she would finish college and seminary, but a shadow of doubt tugged at him.  Like Mary, Lucy had been engaged already.  And now she had another serious boyfriend.  How many years had it been since she had worked on a Habitat house?  Why did she give that up?  When did she, like her sister, become so boy crazy?

            He picked up a picture of Simon with Happy.  He remembered a younger Simon, always friendly and upbeat.  Now sixteen-year-old Simon was sullen and removed, almost hostile.  He had told himself that this was just normal teenage stuff.  Matt had kept to himself as a teenager, but not like Simon did.  Simon was smart and had always been responsible.  Maybe he and Annie had given him too much freedom.  Maybe they were assuming that he could handle himself like he always had.  But, Eric realized sadly, Simon seemed deeply unhappy.  Why?

            He looked at Ruthie's school picture from Eleanor Roosevelt.  She looked cute in her uniform and he smiled.  But what Eric saw in Ruthie's picture was not an eleven-year-old.  He saw a woman, or a teenager at least, in a child's body.  Ruthie was smart but she was more than that.  She was streetwise.  Why is that?  What happened to Ruthie's childhood?

            Sam and David playing in a sandbox at the park.  "They should at least get individual pictures," he thought to himself.  It was always "the twins" or "the boys".  He knew they didn't get enough of the right kind of attention.  The truth was, they were a family of teenagers, even Ruthie, and nobody was interested in preschool needs anymore.  He and Annie were tired.  Too tired to play trucks in the yard or teach the alphabet.  What would become of Sam and David?  Would they be okay?

            He had recently added a picture of Robbie to his desk.  Robbie was certainly family.  When exactly did that happen?  Had that been a good thing?  He was very helpful around the house.  He probably did more caretaking of the boys than anyone else . 

            Anyone else.

            It had been hard to really think about his kids and all the things that seemed to be going wrong with them.  He realized, for the first time, that his family had become unhappy.  A few years ago, they had laughed so much.  They were close.  Now his family seemed more like an assortment of dark and troubled individuals.  What was going on?

            He didn't want to think about Annie.  Why was that?  He didn't even want to look at the picture of the two of them.  _God, I used to love her so much.  Don't I still love her?  Of course.  __But I used to want to be with her all the time.  We used to be so happy.  _

            Eric felt a familiar heaviness settle in on his chest.  He knew that it wasn't his heart. 

            It was his misery.


End file.
